Heartbreak, it pretty much sucks. I can’t even imagine though how this would feel if we had been together for 5, 10, or 20 years. Maybe my heart isn’t even broken, maybe i’ve just been hurt really badly. And yet, theres some sort of aspect to what happened between us that is different from a lot of break ups. You did nothing to me, and I did nothing to you. I have no reason to be angry with you. No resentment, spite, or hate. I’m slowly coming to the realization that maybe we wouldn’t work out. Well, some days, other days i just cry wishing this hadn’t happened. I’ve figured out though that the fact that we’re no longer in a relationship is not what is making me break down at night. I can deal with that, its the fact that you don’t want me in your life. You don’t want to be in mine. I know we can’t be friends, and im not going to try to be. I don’t think you’d even answer my call though, if i truly needed you at this point you wouldn’t help me. When i have to remind myself of that rejection my heart aches. I can forget sometimes that i miss you, rarely but it happens but i don’t forget that you rejected me. I trusted you with my entire being, soul, whatever you want to call it i gave it all to you. And you just dropped me, left me, and turned away. So I guess it hurts more knowing that you were capable of choosing to hurt me.
The conversations that i prepare to have with you makes me not miss you so much. As if all the different scenarios i run through are real and we really haven’t been out of eachother’s lives for 2 months now. 2 months fuck.
The other day i saw a guy and girl. They had clearly been talking for a couple minutes, and had finally come to the part of the walk where they had to separate. The girl makes that shift away and turns to him and says “well it was nice to meet you. have a good weekend.” No exchanges of numbers, no hug or hand shake. just a good bye. The guy then stood there, clearly frustrated, look up, shrugged his shoulders then turned to walk to opposite way with his head low.
Its made me start to wonder how often this happens? Not just with what could be potential relationships but one person just reaching out to another wanting to start a friendship and the other person not even realizing it and rejecting it. So many people are lonely and depressed in the world, when all they need is a friend. But i think often times making friends is so difficult because we make it difficult for ourselves.
all there is at home is small talk.
I know you’re hurting and i can’t stop it nobody can but YOU. I know you’re mad but you are not mad at the things you say, you are mad at yourself. I know you’re falling apart but i have to sit here and just watch until eventually it may be time to dial those three numbers nobody ever wants to dial. Theres nothing to do but live in fear. Fear that you’ll pick up the bottle or that you’ll leave forever. That you’ll change something so that it can never go back to the way it was. I have fear for you, but not of you.
Women are being raped in the Congo daily.
Children are starving around the world
Abuse happens and we just turn a blind eye.
The world is advancing yet we can’t even solve our problems
The world is advancing we are causing more problems
I want to fix at least one problem
I know i probably won’t all by myself, but i want to find a cause and work for a non profit. I want to go to Africa and help the women that are being raped. i want to feed the starving children in america, china, africa, and everywhere. I want to call attention to everything.
I can’t wait for my future we i can really begin to make my impact.
I always make myself cry. I think i may cry more than the average person, though i’m not certain about this. But i’ll get a scenario in my head, my family dies and i’m the only survivor, my best friend has been kid napped, i got raped, i witnessed somebody i love die, pretty much pick any terrible scenario you can think of and out of nowhere sometimes my brain will react as if this was really happening. i start to think of the conversations i would have about it. The people i would have to call, the funeral all the details that just upset me more. And then i start to sob, till finally it just stops. I take some deep breathes and have to tell myself its not true, it didn’t happen. I am a prisoner of my own mind. Locked in a cell of torture. Why do i keep attacking myself? Its nothing new i’ve done it since i was a child. Fuck you brain, stop it. PLEASE.
So now, im naseous(what else is new?) my eyes hurt, and i have a headache and i can’t sleep because my brain got caught up in all of this as i was drifting to sleep. ahh the wonderful mind.
OH THATS RIGHT, it disappeared the at graduation when i said goodbye to that era of my life.
I hated high school. I despised waking up in the morning, was eternally frustrated with my having to be there from 7-2 monday through friday. 3 months into freshman year i was already over high school. So i got invested, and made it so that i would enjoy some parts of my day.
I miss leadership and speech. i don’t want to be the loser that continues to relive high school. But Fuck, i just want to feel like im actually doing something in life.
I cried when leadership was over. But i am still a leader. I plan on spending the rest of my life learning more about leadership, and how to be a better person.
GLT this past weekend changed my perception. I’m so excited for Core camp, words cant even describe. I feel like i have so much knowledge from just 3 days and i can’t wait to spread it and attempt to help people.
I love leadership, and i know that passion will never die.
